AWR01

Eskom Giveth, Eskom Taketh Away:

What
has become a unique annoyance in the daily lives of South African sheeple, for
more than a decade, is the failure to supply and provide electricity
countrywide. Eskom, the state owned enterprise failing the people has become
the second most hated entity in the land but continues to challenge the ruling
political party for that coveted top spot the ANC defends undisputed since
1994.

As
it stands electrical supply can be shut off without warning at any time and can
remain off for and period required in effort to reduce the demand that has
outstripped the Supply, according to the people in charge; this constant
disruption is self-inflicted by the user’s carelessness.

So
why is it the existing infrastructure can’t be upgraded?

There
is no reasonable answer, just confusing conjecture. Reasonable understanding of
this problem is illogical. An entity has systematically fallen into disrepair while the increasing
demand has outstripped the fluid resource; oh there compromise being
alternative energy that many believe is a sustainable option, off grid living…

Considering
the working model required facilitating this transition we need to evaluate the
Bell curve. Half of the nationwide usage is through illegal connections, divide the
field by half. The legal half divides by thirds to one third fully dependent,
one third ranging between 10 - 60% off grid and one third 60% and higher off
grid. Focusing on the middle third our working model suggests this group needs
to move as close to 100% off grid as possible which, when combined with the
latter third, achieves two thirds of one half of the total population
consumption negatively impacting the exhausted energy supply. 

Average
online research reveals this conundrum spans more than a decade with no
plausible solution in sight, like cautiously nursing a vehicle running on fumes
to the next fueling station you come across; there are seriously tense miles
to cover as you hold your breath every time the engine coughs or splutters and
the vehicle jerks a little bit further. Ignoring the conspiracy and, with a
tiny benefit of the doubt given, let’s accept things are being done to fix the
failing power utility we are still bothered by a lingering question Google won’t
answer for you, when?

When
doth Eskom rise above the darkness to shine forth great light upon thy faithful
flock?

Only
Jesus can answer that one but recently a light has shone through the encroaching
darkness; proposed government legislation on solar power energy generation
which maybe feed 5% of the national grid but is becoming the hot ticket item
for the off grid connoisseur who cannot tolerate the use of dirty fossil fuels
burning oh so bright at night. Oil is expense, as are all its crude subsidiaries
but the neat thing about winter in Africa is we rediscover the most primitive form
of energy our ancestral brain remembers - fire: burn it, burn it all. We are a
braai nation dedicated to pyromania that dwarfs anything set ablaze in America,
Australia and the Amazon combined; Africa burn is real that we have a national
holiday celebrating our love of fire that we welcome in spring each year by
setting flame to charcoal on a Weber and offering sacrificial meat to the
flames as all in attendance consume alcohol in excess. The macabre idea occurred
to me courtesy of a passing hearse; death is big business in Africa and the
sight of some poor bloke taking his last ride scratched at anther itching point
in my mind: land availability in South Africa. Not to meander too far from the
candle light I pondered if I, like many other frustrated citizens, could offer
the plausible compromise that ultimately fixed the state of the nation with the
least possible resistance in the shortest period with the smallest chance for corruption.
Cremation. People die; they’re burnt to ash, swept up into a little urn and
presented to the bereaved. Eskom generates most of its energy from coal fired
furnaces which inexplicable run short of coal to burn, insert that corruption
here. Am I onto something here; the average cremation time is one to three
hours, a cremation costs between R7000 – R15 000 (about $3.50 if exchange rates
hold) so why not save yourself the hassle by letting Eskom fit the bill and let
your loved one give something back to the country in death, maybe enough power
for a single hour…

Applying
the law of exponents the daily mortality rate can raise the failing power
utility from perdition within and fortnight to put the power grid back on track
within one calendar month. The numbers are solid enough; I ran my idea through
the WhatsApp think tank to which I credit my catch phrase. Powering Eskom by
cremation literally makes you a shining light in Africa everyone will
appreciate.   

I
ask my local government representative for comment; I am yet to receive a
response. That’s not a bad thing if their spam filters are blocking the correspondence
of potential genocide plots and accidental dick pic then at least some facet of
South African government is working correctly.

P.S. I don't endorse pyromania, genocidal emails or drinking and braai-ing.