AWR04:

Meet the team:

Hello I’m the Punctuality Fairy and I’m here to tell you about “at”. In South Africa there is the practice of African time whereby people arrive whenever they decide, do things whenever they decide and make appointments they are never on time for by saying ‘I’ll be there at,’.  Colloquially at represents the abbreviation of African Time meaning when someone says to you they’ll be there at a certain time don’t expect them to be punctual. My recommendation is the time compromise, between. For example‘I’ll be there between this time and this time,’. 

Hello I’m the Middle Finger Fairy. I’m the ambidextrous final word on everything. 

Hello I’m the Disorganization Fairy and I help everyone unfuck their daily lives. Let’s all agree Social media gets it wrong so fact check content. 

Hello I’m the Normal Fairy, I represent diversity and I’m here to tell you people are fucked up, let’s accept that. People have freedom of choice, it will differ from yours. Learn to be tolerant instead of a judgmental asshole.

Hello I’m the Armageddon Fairy and here’s the good news; should a global apocalypse occur things will improve in South Africa, it’s a far stretch to think how a lack of power, fuel, clean water, decent medical service and money improves when the world finally falls to shit but here, in South Africa that’s already the daily reality (failure of government included). The upside coming by way of the gun - no regulation prohibiting anyone from  shooting zombies during an apocalypse; you’re seeing the plus now. South Africa is prepared for the end. On a side note; why is napalm worse than nukes?

Hello I’m the Communication Fairy. I’m addressing you with calm demeanour for transparent representation of my message content. I shall listen to understand, process my response before delivery to remain factual and accurate. Let’s not rush to misunderstand miscommunications instead let’s engage through better speaking, better writing and better practice of patience.

AWR03

Divorce and Other Complicated Words Ending with Y Nobody Understands Anymore: 

Finalising
divorce proceedings is exhausting but I’d had enough and refused to take their
crap any longer. Citing irreconcilable financial differences I served notice to
my bank manager officially ending a twenty year relationship with my bank, I
divorced them. The banking system in South Africa is an arranged marriage to an
abusive delinquent partner who strips away your financial independence,
gaslights you, abuses you intellectually and when you attempt to end things
they love bomb you enough to lower your guard then the cycle resumes and you’re
getting inundated with threats, demands and inflated compound interest.
Informed consent doesn’t feature; you are their submissive bitch, period. Cut
your losses, settle for half and try keeping the custody of your precious; unless
you’re an African president. Pablo Escobar may have said something about never
trusting a criminal with surplus stores of cash because it means they can’t
launder it. El President Afrique de Suid struggles to hold on to his cash
hordes because misappropriation of funds is the politically correct expression
for stolen rather than lost and nobody is buying the bullshit tale - African
politicians are terrible at managing money. Fortunately the tax office exists
for the love of money is the root of all evil therefore tax investigation is
the right hand of good…

We
interrupt this blog with an important announcement from the office of the
International Fairy Recruitment Corporation:

Hello
I’m the Exactly-What’s-Needed-When-It’s-Needed fairy and I’m awfully busy
keeping everything functional now that society desperately believes all their
problems can be magically fixed through positive thoughts, lots of prayers and
many Facebook likes but this is incorrect. I have the unfortunate task of
overseeing the entire African continent and have grown tired of hearing crap
opinions from the resident assholes angry about the state of the nation they’re
afraid to rectify; call them out on their bullshit, everyone knows the biggest
criminal entity in South Africa is the government, the rules no longer apply as
anything goes and when absolutely all else fails cry racism. Proudly South
African means you are part of the problem and nowhere close to the solution. Instead
of lecturing you scared little bunnies hiding behind your ignorance and
indignation we’re unleashing the fairies.      

 

AWR02

 

AWR02: Taking A Turn For The Worst:

Everyone
wishes they could hit the reboot button, go back three spaces to correct some
critical error or simply revert back to the “Last Known Good Configuration”
because we’re prevented by the laws of Microsoft and cannot reverse our
trajectory when things can run askew. The world could do with a hard reboot
right about now following the meltdown expertly documented on social media by
every idiot online. I’m too old, too tired, too immature and too grumpy to want
to correct the world so best leave that impossible task to the next generation
by skipping over the # obsessed gender-less “me-too” moronic mannequins failing
to cancel civilisation. Mt focus remains domestic because South Africa requires
a serious course correction starting with social responsibility. Current
leadership’s consistent failure to maintain, enrich or improve the nation has
run the entire country into the toilet. I demand the removal of ANC leadership,
or any political leadership for that matter with the appointment of a board of
directors to run the country like you run a business; those appointed
performing piss poorly get fired effective immediately. Easy enough blaming the
corrupt individuals ruining the establishment but the people, I stress this
point “I” am of exclusion having never voted for any of the political dimwits
in South Africa; like NEVER, left them to their own devices to loot, plunder
and pillage their greedy little hearts out; shame on all of you. Your tiny
minds protesting “things aren’t that bad” are ignorant barbarians killing
self-discipline in this country with complacency while the cancer slowly eats away
at good civilised behaviour. It grinds my Gen-X gears every time some millennial
moron fails to sop at a traffic intersection or that obnoxious parking lot
pedestrian who simply walks wherever they damn well please buried nose deep in
a smart device; none of this qualifies them for exemption nor grants them
dominion above common sense and simple bloody courtesy. If the general public
won’t get irate with the state of the nation then all hope is gone and I’m
seeking asylum on Pluto. I draw the line at parking lot etiquette when
self-appointed the car guards, these are poor who firmly believe my motor
vehicle needs constant supervision as I am far too irresponsible to afford a
full house comprehensive insurance plan and therefore it’s their duty to
oversee the welfare of my car for the duration of my shopping stint and I must
pay them for that. Absolutely daft. When did the public domain become the
jurisdiction of the incompetent the moment I step away from my car? And this
car watch mafia is everywhere convinced at any moment an inter-dimensional
vortex is going to tear through the space / time continuum allowing the Xenomorphic
Alien Queen to reach through and snatch away my precious ride. South African
people are babied due to the lack of basic cognitive function to see through
the day, paying someone to pack our groceries into plastic bags, put petrol in
our cars, chauffeur us short distances (I saw a man catch an Uber ride, drive
half a block then disembark at his destination) drive us home at night when
we’re afraid of the dark and to stay in our house safeguarding our furniture
while we’re away on vacation spying on them through the in home CCTV system
installed prior departure. This isn’t what terrifies me; what terrifies me is
the general inability to self-generate and process thought. I recently witnessed
a collective thought vacuum at my local supermarket when, to my amazement
several young millennial couples gravitated to the centre of the isle
disoriented and confused. They froze in a momentary trance while their shopping
trolleys synchronised in formation, a distant blank glaze traversed their eyes
which I assume was the panic signal their tiny minds broadcast to their
oppose-able thumb frantically searching their designer jean pockets for a smart
phone. Ah, Tik Tok, all is right in the world. The system is corrupt, virus
riddled and blue screened reading error after error demanding immediate action
be taken but the modern millennial mind having limited potential for reading
seldom passes the punctuation point of the first sentence that reads ignore
this message. Somewhere in the progression of scientific study a man in a white
lab coat spent a lot of money and time on researching human behaviour using
primates studying influence in crowd behaviour, interesting thing about
primates they formulate logic and reason better than us. A more accurate
species for studying human behaviour is a virus. The study concluded crowd
behaviour follows whatever action leads, the initiator of the action is
considered the informal leader and thus their actions copied. It’s worth a
mention this research was done in a lab under controlled conditions, had the
scientists introduced factors of danger the primates would have all died,
fortunately primate are more evolved than that. It would seem I’m suggesting we
better train the initiator, Elon Musk did buy Twitter and he is one of South
Africa’s prominent exports.

 

It’s
difficult to avoid tumbling down a rabbit hole when reading the news but then
Alice didn’t have the influences of the internet. I think of six impossible
things every morning before breakfast because South Africa is very much like
Wonderland. Suspend your critical thinking momentarily, take one of those
delicious cookies from the jar labelled “EAT ME”, as I share with you the six
impossible things I think will save South Africa:

1.      
The ANC government would prosper without any money. There will be money
from whatever the country generates per annum but it will remain beyond the
reach of those greedy grubby political fingers stretching for their piece or
the ill-gotten gains. No surprises that any government can operate efficiently
without their hand permanently dipped in the piggy bank, a lot of Central
American countries apply this model of governance whereby the presidency has
not direct access to the country’s coffers. They also execute the MP’s doing a
piss poor job via political revolt and public assassinations so win-win all
round. Developing countries need to running like a business. It’s not
completely beyond reason; companies employ people to work, their work generate
income which turns into profits that benefit the economic networking chain to
grow those businesses intersections. I personally don’t care who runs the
country as long as they do so properly. I’ll vote for the first candidate I
think is capable of doing the job, it’s on them to succeed or fail. Anyone want
to throw their hat into that ring?

2.      
If Elon Musk can buy Twitter then South African billionaires can buy the
State Owned Enterprises. The fact is our government cannot operate these
failing enterprises everyone depends on because the government cannot run
business enterprise. Billionaires on the other hand know how to run business
enterprise exceptionally; you don’t become a billionaire standing on a street
corner begging for change. Eskom our electricity provider has failed to the
degree they invented a term for their own failure – Load Shedding. Sell it off
to a billionaire. South African Airways our national airline carrier has failed
to the degree it’s more cost effective for their planes to remain grounded than
in flight, thankfully we have British Airways in country. Sell SAA off to a
billionaire. Rand Water, supplier of the very life blood of the country is
nearing failure after the environmental disaster it failed to prevent when
waste sanitation was systematically pumped into the major river systems
countrywide. There’s more poo-poo in your drinking water than in our
Porta-loos. Sell it to the super rich dude. Collectively SANRAL, PRASA and
TRANSNET represent the mass transportation network of South Africa and they too
fail to clear the benchmark. Sell it to Richie Rich MacDuck. Honourable mention
for the Post Office, I’m sentimental in the age of email and same day deliver
but the postal service is something special if not completely bankrupt. If I was
a billionaire I’d buy them.      

3.      
English motherfucker, do you speak it? Here’s my opinion of language in
Africa; speak English. Having the ability to speak multiple languages benefits
many but there is a reason English is the international language standard. People
can speak as many languages as they desire, I speak several but the world
communicates in English by default therefore everyone needs to speak it. The
global mind-set thinks in English, understands in English, formulates in
English, rationalises in English and explains in English. Africa does not. The
multitudinous spectrum of localised dialect determines and divides the factions
by fractions. It’s micro segregation closely resembling Joseph, his eleven
brothers and their resentment for colourful fashion.

4.      
I simply stopped caring at this point, succumbed to my inner emo I’ve
decided broken isn’t worth fixing. No happily ever after because good dies in
the end, roll credits.