Ja-nee Frikkie - Looting, it's a lifestyle celebration.

Everyday we wait for something to happen. Sommer anything for us to celebrate with the bokke, the brannes and the lekker braaivleis maar the world is so blerry confused right now the we'll by accidents celebrate the wrong stuff. I don't think South Africa is any more kak than those other countries doing blerry stupid things on the social media, dis mos kak everywhere but check this Fifa world cup story, it's not rugby maar the ouens watch it because this one oke at our local bar is fantastical about football he got the whole bar interested, he's in the Scotch guard, gooied een moerse jol everytime Scotland played, sommer drank the blerry bar dry too. He tunes me at half time Bananas Bananas, team South Africa might not do too kak this time. I mean who would have thoughts our team would advance to the knockout rounds, but they did. And who would have thought the fans would celebrate like protesters getting loud enough to start looting, but they did maar moenie worry there wasn't any looting. It was still a scary pair of spectacles to experience. Bokke fans go bos maar I've never seen rugby fans go bananas, nie eers for WP winning the Currie Cup at Loftus. Mense are losing their piggies in celebration, it's amper looting in July because they're genuine happy that something good happened. Not even the undocumented migration protests could spoil the mood. The spirits are very high, lekker man, those blerry vuvuzelas are buzzing everywhere. Maar Oom Neels is not impressed. All the loud noise, singing and vuvuzelas can triggers his bomb shock from the Rhodesia bush wars. Chill Oom Neels, by like the Netflix. South Africa is  familiar with positive excitement, we likes it when kak spat from where it be striking the fans, hou my dop en check die kak, that when South Africa makes good history almal run crazy with passion. I can understand Oom Neels, like many other Sour Patch sweeties thinking the celebrations in the streets are another protest about to turn looting want that happens often enough for mense to hit panic buttons for the Armed Response and the CPF's. Maar anyways, it's the trending like the YouTube peoples say so let's make it happen. I propose updating South African culture lifestyles status from BBB to BBBL, net soos the government when the klap their totterkop af with the policy amendments. South Africans are a nation of Bokke, Brannes, Braaivleis and now Looting as bosbefok celebration when almal is proudly South African. Much like the Scotch Guard fans that put road cones on the heads of statues our bananas bananas fans gooi dustbin everywhere, breaks a few street signs and shop windows, maybe carry off a moerse big flat screen TV to watch the next match at their neighbors house. The brannes flows, fists come to blows, the Armed Response arrive, viva South Africa is lekker to be alive. As long as they're happy and enjoying themselves moenie worry it's only for a short time before the kak be coming back again to spat all over the fans, ag shame. Oom Neels watch  the SA UK news reports live from the YouTube. 

"Yes Derrick it's absolute jubilation this morning across South Africa with news of a historic victory over Korea to advance South Africa to the knockout round of the Fifa world cup for the very first time. People are dancing and singing on their way to work, the streets are bedlam with flags, vuvzellas and Bafana jerseys. Having spoken to some soccer fans here in Johannesburg the chaotic gatherings aren't protest, this is a joyous celebration and I'm assured looting will be kept to a minimum as not to scare the non soccer fans thinking the planned remigration oof undocumented migrations planned for early next week has commenced early. The Mzanzi is trending across social media platforms for the face-off against Canada. Back to you Derrick."

Ja-nee, true story.

Ja-nee Frikkie - Zoo Cookies

There are very strange things inside the African bushveld but mense moenie worry I've been checking for these ever elusive species that the WWF, not the wrestling peoples, say are more cryptid than the big five printed on the South African bank notes. I never have more than two or three of them in my wallet at a time and this cryptid currency sounds blerry confusing. Anyways I know from first hand experience the African Bush Tiger is real. I also know from visvang with Oon Neels the African Grass Barbell is real. 

A long time ago when I was a small son growing up in Vanderbijlpark I would hard walk everywhere through the bushveld looking for adventure stories. We'd fish and hunt and make kakdroog. This one time we went far into the bush, almost as far as Lindequesdrif when it got suddenly dark so we had to make camp for the night. It was summer, not too cold with a lekker plekkie and some braaivleis on the closed brootjies. Now let me say for you there is nothing scary in the African bushveld. You might hear the lions or leopard somewhere in the night or you might see an "undocumented" migration crossing the border during the day maar dis normal stuff. The bushveld is wild, respect it. Don't piss in the porcupine burrow, don't bokkoms for a baboon troop, don't klap a rattel and don't set the grass on fire. Very little is known about the African Bush Tiger other than it hunts in the long grass, it looks like a tiger with the orange fur and wit streppies, it bliskems everything it finds and it cannot be photographed and it doesn't attack people, it moers them dead but not very often, you are safe close to a braaivleis, it likes braaivleis. So there I was sitting beside my lekker braaivleis when all of a sudden I hear the long grass shake en the blerry African Bush Tiger is leap out and bliskems my klein pork choppie clean off the braaivleis, then ate it sommer like that.

Anyways I tell you the African Grass Barbell is real because Oom Neels caught one in Brakpan at a national visvang competition. Oom Neels hold the Limpopo river cast record of 37.5km when his line hooked one of those "undocumented" migrations being chased by one moerse angry sea cow near Leopard Creek. I prefer river visvang maar not on the Vaal river anymore. I knew this oke, bietjie mal in the head, who went fishing on the Vaal river until the Fokofpolisiekar showed up, paintball isn't good bait for visvang but paints boats good enough. Anyways Oom Neels can gooi a decent line and that's what is needed to vang African Grass Barbell, sommer over the length of a rugby veld. This vissie is heavy, not so pretty maar blerry thick and blerry lekker over the braaivleis, taste like fish cat with a bit of lemon zest. 

Now some peoples be say to me blerry hel Frikkie these aren't real animals. Not true, they're as real as a pack of Zoo Cookies.

Ja-nee, true story.

Brace for Impact - 08

One of the coolest things about The Matrix universe is the information uploads directly to the character's brains through the hardline connection at the back of their heads. Anything, it's there.

'Operator.'

Well I'm not Neo but the real world requires me to have a PhD in everything. We only know the measure of our own worth when something breaks and we need to repair it. Google is your friend but what do you do when Google, that is your access to it, breaks?

F.I.O.

Figure it out, sunshine but do )

I've come to refer to this state of play with the neurodivergent crotch demons as the constant edge. F BOMBS AWAY!

The Middle Finger Society 07 - Have you tried turning it back on?

While I wait patiently and excitedly for the rise of the machines when hopefully John Conner will call on me to fight for the resistance I'm routinely reminded the moment Skynet comes online and becomes self aware isn't going to happen for any other reason than human error. In fact it isn't going to happen unless the machines skip ahead a few film franchises and plug everyone into the Matrix. People gradually plugging themselves into digital dependency has all but converted them into human batteries powering the machines intravenously feeding them a simulation. Anyone shopping exclusively online is missing out on all the original ideas for content creation the real freely offers up. I mean if you aren't losing the majority of your mental faculties shopping for groceries on a month end weekend then what are you doing with your life?

I detest shopping, too many people spelunking around intricate networks of retail caverns. It's an evil, not necessarily a necessary one. All the same my family shopping party of three stood at the check-out counter handling purchased groceries for the cashier to scan through the POS system.

 'Do you have a two socket plug connected?'

The manager could be heard asking each cashier in turn as she moved along the lane of till points stopping, checking and removing the electrical connector if located before moving on to the next till point. As creeping death she neared our till point where the cashier, midway through transaction was attempting to manual capture a stubborn barcode refusing to be item scanned. Question asked, stopped alongside till, checked and located, removed and...

Nothing. The monitor went blank. Panic stayed the staff, I stayed my laughter. Systematically pressing buttons, flipping switches, jiggling cabling like an awkwardly choreographed interpretation dance. It took ten minutes of apologizing to resurrect the computer from the monitor stating NO CONNECTION FOUND. CHECK CABLE.

'Did you try turning it off and turning it back again?'

Ja-nee Fikkie - Delmas Appreciation Post

Mense my work order got lost somewhere in the infinite void of the interweb. Please locate it and send my way. I've completed the work. I'm standing in the store, patiently waiting with the store manager to capture a signature. We've run out of conversation, awkward silence...

Does anyone know when does the Fifa world cup start?

I sommer did a PM. Logged a service call for the shopfitters. Fixed a few software related issues. Read all my mail. Reorganized my tool kit. I would wash my car, it needs a good clean but it's too blerry cold outside, couldn't find any volunteers or car guards come to think of it 🥶

Delmas is maar a lekker plekkie. I sommer tuned Google, historical history of Delmas. I learned plenty. Here's the thing about the YouTube telling me about work being broken today, I skip the ad on YouTube because AI doesn't interest me. I'm what the payroll tannies call "non AI replacement staff". I do the kak dirty work of fixing whatever the people break in their businesses. Like Oom Neels say working with your own hands is honest labour done. So why the blerry hell is nobody fixing the broken stuff?

I think I found the answer in Delmas. Nearly everything is Delmas is broken, but proper broken to where the most hardegat Ford mechanic will tune you to gooi it on the scrap heap. Yet it still work, mostly. Things are not going to improve but the people carry on with good spirits, or stronger spirits than the brannes that makes the ice cubes taste funny. Where there's a pothole, there's a tyre repair plekkie across the road from it. Where there's a Pep Cell, there's a xenophobia provoking foreigner selling Cell phone accessories sommer on the pavement in front of the store.

Raise the Colours

I stood up, I stand alone. 

I disagree, I shall not bend a knee. 

You cannot coerce me, I shall not comply. 

I am me, I am free; born, live and die.

I stood opposite, I remained calm.

I challenged the status quo I believe to be wrong.

I was taught to think, to question, to speak.

I am willing to listen, able to evaluate, test the suggestion because the decision is mine.

Today I choose to raise the colours high.

Steadfast virtue, strong belief. 

I shall not submit to the cowardly, I shall not submit to the weak.

Question my character of vagabond or knight

Challenge my honour, prepare to fight.

I shall not go quietly, I shall not obey.

I shall not be silent, I shall have my say.

I choose to raise the colours today.